5:29 AM Pia San Felipe 0 Comments

...something we used to say to each other all the time. We keep saying that we'll make it through, that everything will be okay, that when everything settles down it will be our time. But that was before. Before everything got messed up, before things got in a whirlwind, before all the feelings were gone, just flew away with the wind.

They say everyone deserves a second chance and I think everyone really does. I have had countless second chances and I guess I must do the same to others. Thing is, when you've given a lot of people an equal lot of second chances, you get tired, thinking that you've given them their chance, another chance to prove themselves, that they're worth it, now what? Sometimes it sucks, that you're giving so many chances away that they don't seem to care if they screw up again because they know that you'll get over it and let them make it up to you. It shatters to see how they're not making it up to you because they seem to think that everything will be okay because you always tend to just forgive, that you'll get over the pain because they will make it up to you when they clearly won't. And that's what hurts, you give them their chance thinking that everything will be okay in the end, that things will end up in a different, happier way. You get your hopes up for nothing because they cannot prove themselves to you, and you sit there wondering if they ever would.

So many wasted chances, so many hopes set high for nothing. That's the deal. As much as I would want to open up my heart and give you what you're asking for; that one chance to prove yourself to me, I cannot seem to do so. I feel as if I have wasted too much chances on too many people and I'm coming to a conclusion that people doesn't really feel sorry when they screw up. I am sitting here wishing to see how you're planning to win me back, but I cannot see anything. Moreover, I cannot feel anything from you anymore. I sometimes feel like I am the only one thinking of how these things can be patched up, like I am the only one feeling the pain, like I am the only one who's crying, like I am the only one who feels the love. Then I realized that maybe it is not just like it, it really is. You've left me, completely left me and there's no way to help. It breaks. Because you once told me that you'll never leave, that you'll always be there, but guess what? You're gone, I lost you, you're gone.

[UPDATE 6/11/2015: Dear self, you are so cheesy. HAHAHA.]