8:08 PM Pia San Felipe 0 Comments

Sometimes I think you should just let yourself cry. Let yourself cry, I let myself cry. Mainly because it's the only thing that keeps me sane. Insane thought but it's true. Maybe because the tears remind me that I'm still functioning as I should, I mean, that I'm still human and that I still feel and haven't gone completely numb from being hurt for the same reason twice. I'm in a way getting used to just being dumped because I'm not "good enough". I also think that sometimes someone should watch me before I go to sleep, even when I'm sleeping and slap me to prevent me from staring blankly at the wall or ceiling. I have this habit of staring into space before I doze off and then after a minute or so, I'd struggle to breathe and realize that I've been crying. I've been so used to crying that I don't think it's normal to not shed a tear in a day (excluding the tears when I yawn or sneeze). The only times when it feels normal to not have your tear ducts produce tears are when I'm with my friends and when I eat with my family or when someone's around. During those times, I feel like floating, I feel like going away with the wind because it all seems so surreal to be laughing and not feeling hurt at all. But when I'm alone with nothing to do, I just let the tears fall and let the pain crush me. The pain, it's weird but I like feeling it. It makes me feel real, that everything's real. It is my proof that in a way, "we" happened. I'm starting to sound like Isabella Swan but it's not what I'm intending to be. I like the feel of my tears against my cheek, it feels warm and comforting because it washes the hurt away somehow when it rolls down my pillow.

But then it's hard, difficult I mean, to cry. Because you can't let anyone hear you struggling to get some air through your mouth because your nose is stuffed, you can't let anyone feel your hiccups or hear that deep breath you drew because they'd know you're crying and they'd think of you as weak especially when you won't tell them why you're crying and they'd give you this stare of disbelief as if you're crazy. But the truth is, you just want to keep it to yourself because no one will understand the exact way you're feeling. That feeling when no one knows of the silent battles you go through everyday and then they'd come and stare at you as though you are totally disturbed; that feeling when you have to get up everyday, looking strong and brave as if nothing's pounding you into pieces because they expect you to just carry on with your life; that feeling of loneliness when you have no one to talk to because they're just so damn busy of what's ahead of them and all you want to do is have someone be with you even without talking because you just want to have someone with you; that feeling of utter desertion to simply just have no one to put the shattered you together as you face each day keeping yourself pulled up when all you want to do is just break and scatter into tiny pieces.
Maybe all we need is someone. That someone who'll battle with us; that someone who'll bravely face the world with us; that someone who'll hold our hand as we both go up that mountain of a trial; that someone who will be everything that those before him weren't; that someone who'll go through every bit of trouble with us. Simply that one person who will make us feel whole again, look at our scars and tell us, "we've made it, you made it". Yeah, it feels good to cry and to feel the pain too. But I guess it is much better to have someone wipe the tears and ease the pain away. Yeah, someone, someday.