MONOLOGUE

11:33 PM Pia San Felipe 0 Comments

This is so stupid, so wrong, so... I don't know. All these feelings are mixed up inside me, it's as if I am a bomb that's about to detonate. One move and I'll explode. Thing is, I am that kind of bomb that just never dies, that keeps on exploding at every possible trigger. It's tiring and it feels like there's nothing I can do about it. I can't believe how stupid I am being. Bawling my eyes out for something that I knew from the very start would lead to this. I put myself into this mess and I can't get myself out of it. I created this shit and I can't clean it up. I can't get my guns straight and stick to it. It's just so confusing, everything feels like a blur. Like there's a huge fog and I just can't get through it to see a sharper and clearer view of everything. I don't know what happened but everything just spiraled out of my control, I don't even feel like myself anymore. I used to be better than this, I used to know how to gauge my emotions, I used to know how to hold my feelings back. Now, oh, I just don't know! I tried not to fall but I still fell. Yeah, I fell for the wrong person, maybe at the wrong time too, for all the right reasons. Everyone who knew what I'm feeling told me I have every reason to fall but...... I can't believe I let myself get caught in this situation! It's so unmanageable or is it? Oh, dear self, why? You deserve better. But being the stubborn girl that I am, I don't want to deserve better. Is this what I want? What I truly want? Why can't I fight for it? Why can't I gather every ounce of courage in my system and just tell the dude that I love him? Wow, shit, I just admitted to myself that I love him. This is so new. I never found it that difficult to accept that I love someone. I want to disagree but I know it's what I'm feeling. I have fallen. But how do I say it to him? How do I get the words out? How do I cope with his reaction? I am afraid. Of what? Of what he might say, of him saying what I don't want to hear but ought to, of him telling me that the feeling is not mutual.

Sometimes I just don't use the brains I am born with, but I don't think I need intellectual intelligence right now. I just need..... to let this out. To let him know perhaps. But damn my cowardliness, I am just so scared. Oh, what do I do? I'm tired of all these bullshit. I want to stop being so stupid.

[UPDATE 6/11/2015: The feeling was mutual for some time but it turns out I was just carried away.]

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