11:00 PM Pia San Felipe 0 Comments

"Fireproof doesn't mean that the fire will never come but that when it comes, you'll be able to withstand it." (From the movie Fireproof) In life, there comes a fire that either makes or breaks us; that determines how strong we are; that makes us look at the world with a different eye, at a different perspective. It's up to us whether or not we're going to let this fire burn us down to ashes or it'll give us the strength we never imagined we could have. The fire will always come, it always does and because of it, I wonder if I will ever manage to find the fire escape when it comes.

This year hasn't been so good to me. I've had a lot of ups and downs when the year started. It's me not getting accepted in my dream university, mustering enough courage to stand and find a place where I can start building my once shattered dream again; it's me finding myself that I am not enough, not enough for him; it's me getting dumbfounded by college's extreme diversity, wondering if I can ever get used to it; it's me struggling to keep up with my blockmates, constantly missing the safety that high school offered me; it's me trying not to fall for the most unlikely person but still ended up going off the edge; it's me making my way through the maze in college and trying not to lose myself in the process; and it's me slowly losing touch to who I was before. The latter is something I am so uncomfortable with, it's the fire that I never wanted to come but still does. I hate changes. I hate it especially when it's myself that is changing. I hate how I'm losing my old self because I want to be the same girl my high school friends knew because that's who I really am. Not that I am being fake in college but with this new environment, I have to adapt to it and what's wrong with me is that I might have changed drastically. I don't even know if that's my issue at the moment.

I am feeling so pissed and annoyed (or is it just the same term, I don't know) lately. With who or what is something I don't know either. I am thinking that it is because of everything that happened in the past few months that's making me feel (and maybe act) this way. I guess all of it is just too much for my ragged heart (or that would be my hypothalamus) to absorb. Maybe it's because of me having to mature, given the circumstances we call college, and not wanting to at the same time. It's probably because I still wanted to be that shallow girl and now won't let me be. It might be because I just want to be myself without having to risk what other people would think of me. I may just want to go back to before because I don't think I can handle the present anymore. I just don't know.

I want to stop feeling this way (it's just too generalized but I can't think of a certain emotion that explains what I am feeling at the moment) because it's eating me whole. I want to be okay again because this simply isn't just me. I want to be back to my old, composed, happy, calm, relaxed, and carefree self. I want to reunite with the old me, I must find her again because I don't know what is to happen to me if this continues for a longer span of time. What just happened? I don't know, I just don't know. I need to find the fire escape before I let this fire burn me to death.

(On a lighter note, this might just be me PMS-ing)