5:02 AM Pia San Felipe 0 Comments

Its' so exhausting. Trying to be oblivious to this overwhelming feeling inside me. Sometimes, when we've been hurt too many times, we just want to be numb so we don't have to feel crushed, again. I don't like what I am feeling. This jealousy. I don't have the right to be jealous because we haven't made any commitment to each other; no strings attached, that's what scares me. I am scared that my emotion/s would get the  better of me. I am already feeling shattered and being shattered and I don't want to ruin myself any further. You know what sucks? What hurts? It's when you're making me think more than what you're making me feel. "No one can ever replace you" and "I don't want to lose you, please don't leave me," YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE. What do you think of me? A booty call? Well fuck you and your words, I AM NOT. How could you tell me not to leave you and not have the balls to decide and tell me whether you really love me or not. You know what I think? You still love her, you're still in love with her. Don't fool me, I am not blind and most especially not stupid. I can see it in your eyes. The way you look at her, the way you talk to her, don't go around telling me that you don't love her anymore because you still do, very much.

Can you do me a favor? If you love me, like really love me, make me feel that you do, that what you're saying is true and if you don't, please, just let me go. I don't need another guy leaving me because I am not enough, because I am not the girl they really want. I am tired of being a door mat and I don't want to be one anymore. What I need is a guy who would make me feel special, loved and not an option but a priority, and all that he's making me feel is genuine because I am the only girl he sees and because he loves me enough to actually want me with him. He's going to take away the hurt that all those before him (of course including you) made me feel, he's going to put back together what you all broke and he's going to make me believe that real men still exists in this generation. He's going to love me despite my mood swings, my picky-ness and my loudness (and sometimes quietness). He's going to be there for me at all times especially during the moments when I needed a shoulder to lean on. He'll make me smile because of his little surprises; make me laugh because of his wittiness; make me swoon because of his cheesiness; and make me blush because of his sweetness. Of course he's not going to be perfect because he'll also irritate me because he may do something wrong; we may fight because of misunderstandings; make me mad because he did something wrong; and make me cry because I've had enough but we'll make it through because he's going to fight for me. He'll ask sorry for his mistakes; dry my tears; wash away all my irritation; brighten up my mood; he'll make it up to me. He'll love me for all that I am, all that I'm not, and all that I could be. Through my imperfections, my flaws, he'll be there. We'll make it through every bullshit together. He's going to be all that you're not and more. One day I'll be happy and you'll realize what you didn't fight for, what you lost when it could be yours. But that would all be in the past because I've moved on and I won't care anymore because you've shown me that you won't give a damn. You'll see me smiling and being the best version of myself and I hope you'll be happy that you let me go like how happy I've been when I realized I deserve better.

Days, weeks, months, years from now, I'll look back on this day when I've extremely been made to feel like I am just an option and smile because I realized I'm more than this. If the thought of leaving you now is hard, I'll be happy that I did in the future.

[UPDATE 6/11/2015: I wish I didn't drop love bombs too much then. HAHAHA. Kept confusing love with, idk, infatuation?! But yup, I'm happy I dumped the person because I'm happier now. Should make a blog post regarding this.]