SHOULD HAVE BUT NEVER DID (WHEN MY BRAIN FAILED TO CONSTRUCT SENTENCES)

2:31 AM Pia San Felipe 0 Comments

My mind is always bursting with thoughts, filled up with scenarios, and is composed of dialogues. But the conversation we just had is one that never crossed my mind, one that I neglected to imagine as I thought it might just never come. You see, I'm kind of used to seeing people walk out of my life without even saying goodbye; fucking up and never explaining to me why; turning their back on me and never saying sorry for the damage they've caused or for the mess they've made. I wasn't prepared. At that moment, I was at loss for words and all I could say was I understand, that I know where you're coming from and that it's alright. And it really is. Only, I wish I have said more, I have things I was dying to say, words I wish I could utter to you but I let the opportunity pass and now, I am left with hope that you might read this, someday. This is to let you know my thoughts, but mainly, this is to give myself a closure. Because after this, I am vowing to avoid looking back as much as possible.
I don't hate you and I didn't hate you like what I told myself to do so. What you did hurts and, yeah, it was gago of you but I just can't hate you. Not because I love you because, let's admit it, I didn't. It felt like it but I knew right then and there it wasn't love. I can't hate you because, I guess it's in man's nature to fuck up and I know I fucked up a bit too. I fucked up when I failed to make you feel important because I was scared to appear too clingy. I started being cold when I felt like you're slowly drifting away from me and that's when I got it wrong, because I failed to tell you what I felt because I hate confrontations because I might appear stupid and demanding when I have no right to demand anything from you. I'm sorry I wasn't the girl you were looking for and I'm sorry that made you feel bad because you think you messed me up. You didn't, well, not that much. But I forgive you (I think) because even if I hated you, I don't think that would even change anything. Hating you won't change the situation, it can't alter your feelings and most especially, it won't make me feel any better. What's done is done, what's said is said and no matter how many times we've said sorry to each other, nothing's gonna change and we/I just have to accept that. You said it, it's not meant to be and I truly understand. We deserve better, yup, the both of us and not just me. You deserve a girl who can make you feel the way you wanted to feel, like you're important and cared for. I can't be that girl, I guess not right now. And I guess I need a guy who's gonna make me feel better about myself and understand my complicated self. And while this is getting dramatic, I want to thank you. Just because we ended up like this doesn't mean we didn't have a good time. I had fun and I enjoyed the feeling while it lasted (which was not that long) and I want to thank you for that. You've been a good guy like what you said you tried to be. Yeah, you did screw things up but I don't think that makes you less than a human being. We all make mistakes, right? And I think, our mistake was that we tried to push things too far when we should have just left it simple. We shouldn't have meddled with fate or destiny or whatever you call it. We shouldn't have forced ourselves in this 'situation' and should have just let things flow as it is. But nevertheless, I guess we have both learned from our mistakes. Let's do good to never make that wrong turn with the next person after each of us, whoever they may be.

You know what? You were brave, to admit that you've done something wrong and say sorry for it and try to explain. If it weren't for you, this 'thing' wouldn't even have a closure. Thank you for having the guts because what you did made me feel better, it gave me a door to go through and lock close then after. And wherever this end may lead, I hope we'll both be happy. And maybe we can still be friends and not be awkward with each other like it has always been before...... Well, you already know that.

[UPDATE 6/11/2015: Lol, we're friends now. No awkward shit anymore. Hahaha.]

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