ON NEW BEGINNINGS AND NEVER LOOKING BACK

3:03 AM Pia San Felipe 0 Comments

Sometimes when we've been hurt too much and far too many times we just get numbed to it. We get used to being in pain, we anticipate the crying and we find the normality in sadness. It feels as if all we ever felt was hurt and that maybe it's our fate. That's what sucks because deep down we know we deserve more. We deserve more than being just an option in a never ending list of choices. Over and over I've been made to feel as if I am not enough, that I can never be enough and over and over it crushed me, shattered my heart into tiny, irreparable pieces. This weekend I allowed myself to look back, to retrace my steps, to see where I went wrong. And boy, have I seen where I made the wrong turn. It was when I refused to reciprocate someone's feelings because I'm scared; when I created a barrier between us, a barrier that he kept trying to break but I kept trying to build; when I refused to take every word he said seriously; when I kept doubting our future; when I kept doubting him; when I made him feel like I don't need him; and each and every time I made him feel like he doesn't matter. I deeply regret every wrong thing I've done but it's all too late now. So after realizing where I went wrong I moved forward and told myself to create a new beginning, for my own good.

You start a new beginning after you've realized what should have happened but didn't without dwelling on thoughts of trying to get it back. You start a new beginning after you've cried your heart out and realized that it won't do you any good. You start a new beginning after you've fallen face first. You start a new beginning after it ended, like officially and finally ended. You start a new beginning when you've realized that you deserve better or that you're better off on your own or that you can be happier. You start a new beginning when you've learned to love yourself first before loving another person. You start a new beginning when you're willing to let go of the past and move on. You start a new beginning when you've moved on. You start a new beginning when you've found the determination and courage to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You start a new beginning when you begin to smile genuinely again. You start a new beginning when you have, after a a long period of gloomy days, seen the sun. You start a new beginning when you go out of your shell and explore. You start a new beginning by moving forward, letting go of the things that made you hurt and appreciating life as it is, all with its unfairness and bizarre.

When you start a new beginning, you are to never look back. You may glimpse, but not stare. You can never look back because you're going to realize that everything has changed and that things are never going back to the way it were and that's going to hurt you more than it should. You can never look back because you may want to go back when you know for a fact that you shouldn't anymore. You can never look back because it may hold you back. You can never look back because the future lies ahead, not behind. You can never look back because the past tense doesn't go with new beginnings. You can never look back because you are moving forward.

And that's how we find ourselves again after days and days of being lost because we've been hurt: be sad, cry, reminisce, pick yourself up, start a new beginning and never look back.

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