7:15 AM Pia San Felipe 0 Comments

It's difficult to not be understood especially by the people you expect to do so. I've always been thought of as a brat because I almost always get whatever it is that I wanted. I am what my parents call me, "maldita". I refuse to believe that I am because I know deep down, I'm not but as time went by, I guess I just lived up to it. I am also what my mom once told me, "independent" and I believed that I am. I grew up making my own decisions and rarely consulting my parents or anyone for that matter. I was also raised to be the one that almost always has to understand my siblings. It's always been like I have to watch my words because my sister can be sensitive or that I have to stop being so mataray with my younger brother. Mom's always told me understand other people, to simply just understand them because they have their own battles and I shouldn't add up to it. And I always did, I tried hard, really hard to understand others. But now that I believe I am more mature, I realized how I've always wanted to make sure to think of how someone would feel that they forget to think of how I would feel. Sometimes I want to say to my mom how tired I am of trying to understand, of always being the one thinking critically, of always being thought of as "maldita". It makes me sad because they fail to see how being "matary" is the way I am. I do not wish to hurt other people because of it but there's nothing I can do, it's as if it is my defense mechanism but no one cares because to them I will always be the brat, the spoiled one, the one who does not care. And it's just so sad that when I do something wrong it's as if I've comitten a crime punishable by death, it's as if I cannot act immature because I have to be so grown up about everything.
To my family, I wish one day you will realize how I cannot change the way I am and the only way you can live with me in peace is to accept it. This is my biggest flaw and sadly there can't be so much to be done about it. I love all of you but in my own way and in my own terms. I am too liberal for my own being and I want to keep it that way. I conform to no one and nothing. I think way too different than most, if not all, of you and I hope you get to accept that, my opinions and my thoughts and the way I express my love for all of you. Just becauase I look apathetic does not mean I don't care because I do. And everyday I'm wishing that for once, all of you will get to understand and accept me the way I am. I am home but I feel lonely because no one gets to think of how much I'm trying to be a better daughter and sibling in my own way and it's probably why I am slowly losing touch with this family.