OF WALLS, WINDOWS AND DOORS

8:49 PM Pia San Felipe 0 Comments

We all have fears. Some of us fear heights; some fear closed spaces; some fear snakes; some fear birds; some are terrified by clowns; some by the sea; we have, one way or another, felt so much fear that it rendered us immobile. But not all fears are tangible, not all can be seen, some are just felt, psychological as they say. It's like when a past experience resurfaces into your conscious mind and you shudder at the thought and all you can think of is that you're never doing it again. 
As much as I am scared of birds (any feathery, flying living thing actually), I am scared of not being enough for someone. I'm scared that one day that someone's going to wake up and think that he can do so much better than me. That's why I surround myself with walls so high I can't even reach the top. I was always thinking that if someone really wants to be with me, that someone's going to be brave and patient enough to build windows and doors around the wall with me, if not to entirely break them. Some had tried but just as I was about to drill a hole to make way for a window, they gave up. I've had too many someones give up on me and it's exhausting and it's making me wonder if I am ever worth it. But then came you. You came at that time in my life when I was just about to give up on believing that someone could ever break the walls I built around myself. I was doubting every guy and their intentions and thinking that everything's probably just going to be a game. You came and you made me believe again. You showed me how worth it I am; you respected my boundaries, what I could and does not want to do; you accepted my entirety, my weirdness, moodiness, and all my proverbial fucked up-ness. I was reading Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist and thought, "heck, it feels like this is our story," because like Nick you're waiting for me to jump and take the risk and like Norah, I did.
Being with you made me feel so happy, alive and wonderful. We could be sitting quietly side by side and that wouldn't bore me at all. What we have now, whatever this is feels so good, so right that I am so scared that I might screw it up and everything might go downhill from there. So I'm wishing for you to not give up so easily on me, please hang in there because I am going to get there. I'm actually getting there and I guess I'm just waiting for the right time. Just like you did. 

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