AND THEN AGAIN

9:18 AM Pia San Felipe 0 Comments


It scared me. To know that if and when I get tired of this relationship you wouldn't do anything at all to save it; you wouldn't try to win me back, you wouldn't even bother to know whatever it is that we lost. It's as if when the time comes that this relationship is getting too much for me to bear, you wouldn't even bother to lift even a tiny bit of weight off of me. It scares me to no end that maybe, just maybe, you're just waiting for me to give up on us. I asked you, over and over I did and every answer you gave me just makes me think that you're not as into this as I am. And it pains me because once again, I'm the one who gave too much. Had you wanted me to be with at this very moment, I would have; had you wanted me to spend the day with you, I would have; had you wanted me to do something I am well capable of doing, I would have. I feel so stupid, so foolish, so gullible. I feel like such a hopeless romantic and I hate it. I am not the hopeless romantic type of person and I hate that you're taking that away from me by being a hopeless romantic, AT FIRST. During the first few months, especially weeks, you were as sweet as no girl could possibly imagine. You gave me the assurance I need, the words I needed to hear. If I asked for the world then, it felt like you would give it to me had it been possible for you to do so. If I asked you to travel for 2 hours just so we could see each other, I know you would have. But you've changed. It felt like I was always asking too much from you. It felt like your time was too precious that I can't have you all to myself for a whole day. I know it's selfish and childish but maybe that's how people turn out to be when they miss someone this much. And I miss you, the guy you used to be. I'm scared of how much you've changed because it feels like I don't know you anymore. Because it feels like that guy you are now wouldn't want to have anything to do with a girl like me. It scares me that you can't see your future with me because maybe I don't fit in there, that maybe I was just saving someone else's place until they come along. That's the part that scares me most, that at any given day you could just leave. That I was so into the idea of us that I forgot myself. I hate myself because of that. And I'm scared of how this summer would end. Would I go to school knowing I still have you? Or would I, for the second time, go to school and try, as much as possible, to avoid that person who broke my heart? I don't want to give up on this, on us. But with everything you just told me, I felt like you wouldn't even fight for me. And what's the point of all this when you wouldn't?

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